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A small corner of space

folded and twised over itself.




February 4th, 2012

What am I doing?

First and foremost, I want to wish my friend Mike the happiest of birthdays today! :) I would sing happy birthday to you, but I don't want to make your old ears bleed ;)

Now, on to the meat of my musings here today...

Tomorrow, I hop on a train heading for Chicago. Once there, I am willingly submitting myself into the care of a surgeon who will, I hope, manage to remove and reshape aspects of my face to something else. That from that day forward, I can then look in the mirror and stop seeing a male face staring back at me. I also desperately want to have the people who know me from before to stop looking at me and only seeing who I was; just seeing the old me, only now in girl clothes. I want to be able to walk down the street and any stares I get, not come from people looking at the guy in a dress. I want that security in my gender presentation that will allow me to get on and over this part, this aspect, of my life - to be able to get on with the process of living my life finally.

But it is also something more than that I think.

Silly whining and trangst...Collapse )

January 13th, 2012

I just wonder

Tonight I sat reading the blogs of several cis women friends, acquaintances and even strangers, reading snippets about their current concerns, worries, woes and joys - the bits that make up their very lives. Despite these women being peppered across the spectrum, there was a commonality amongst them that made them intertwined in life. Looking long enough and hard enough, I could see where they shared similar issues, asking many of the same questions; being able to hold up the same triumphs and setbacks that each and every one of them would understand. As I sat reading these, I wondered to myself, where is mine? Why do I have to be missing out? If not for a mistake of nature, I could be right there with them, sharing in the same way.

Deeper into the rabbit hole...Collapse )

I just wonder.

January 6th, 2012

Time flies...

364 days ago, I sat in the parking lot of Walmart, ripping open that little paper bag they put your prescriptions in; I pulled out a bottle filled with little oval blue-green pills, and with my hands shaking, I opened it and slipped one under my tongue. I sat there for twenty minutes, as the pill was slowly dissolving, shaking and crying; for the first time in my life I was crying tears of joy and relief with the knowledge that the long nightmare of the past 34 years was finally starting to come to an end. This is one memory that is now indelibly inscribed in my mind.

We fast forward now through a year of changes - some slow, some coming much quicker and some yet to arrive. Two days after the 1 year anniversary of that first wave of relief, the next big change is going to come into effect in my life - my name will legally become what I have called myself in the privacy of my own mind since the 6th grade. Thirty-one days after that, I am taking steps to change who I see in the mirror; I look forward to being able to look in the mirror and no longer seeing who I was, but instead who I am. After that, I get to rest, wait and save - just letting time and the magic of medicine work their changes upon me until I am ready for the next (and maybe last) step in this whole ordeal.

Tomorrow is day 365 and I think I am going to sleep in; the difference between the morning one year ago and tomorrow? I get to sleep in with a smile on my face and happy thoughts in my head.

tl;dr - One year HRT anniversary achievement unlocked :)

November 6th, 2011

Sometimes a piece of music can hit you just right, that causes images to form before your very eyes - even against your will. Sometimes those images need to find life, and you need to let them out however you can... This is one such event. Far from complete (and I doubt it will ever get that way) I am just tossing this out there for general consumption - if any be interested.


Tales to be told...Collapse )

For those interested or curious about the music that spawned this short, and semi-aborted work, check out Infinite Legends from the 2 Steps From Hell production company.

July 15th, 2011

Maybe I should expound

So I got to thinking I really should expound a bit more than just that last posting.

I have recently crossed the 180 day mark for HRT - six whole months - and numerous changes have occurred, some I can see; other changes people tell me that they see.

Explanations, blather and repentance.Collapse )

The why of it...

I have tried to explain on numerous occasions what this is like; what I go through day in and day out; what I have gone through for the past 34 years of my life. Every time I hear someone say to me "But you chose to do this," I just want to let out that scream that goes through my mind.

This...Collapse )

May 2nd, 2011

Long time, no posty

So I realized it has been forever, well quite a while that is, since I last wrote something on here. This has been an interesting few months - I passed my 90 day mark on HRT, and things are coming along slowly; the people who know me around here - for the most part - know now what I am going through and have been supportive as best as they can; I am out to the bosses at work and supposedly an HR plan will be issued on the transition. Overall, it has been pretty decent here. Actually, it has been a little better than decent, and I think I am getting a bit spoiled by the acceptance I have been finding. I am just waiting for that other shoe to drop any day now...

Read more...Collapse )

January 13th, 2011

The doldrums

It is now day seven of HRT for me, and the doldrums are setting in while I am sitting here looking at my daily photo. I have been taking daily photos to eventually look back and see the changes as they progressed - but I can't help looking at them thinking nothing is ever going to change. I know that when it comes to HRT, patience is our watchword; our need to just hold on until the person we are inside shows through on the outside one of the greatest challenges with the one of the biggest rewards.
TL;DR - just a hormone driven rantCollapse )

January 7th, 2011

At 6:17 PM tonight, I took my first dose of Estrogen, Progesterone and Proscar. This is the first time I have taken female hormones prescribed to me and specifically for my gender transition.

Not much else to say right this second…I am just kind of lost in thought, and I will post more tomorrow.

Night all!


January 5th, 2011

It seems that it has been a few days since I last wrote an entry, though time is subjective and to it has passed - quite paradoxically - both dragging by quite slowly on and passing by in just a flash. The mundane things of life, the day-to-day routine, seem to have meshed back into a ritualistic blur which makes it hard to pick out any one specific thing that has occurred. I wake up; I struggle my way into a conscious state; I move forward to face my day. Those are the unchanging bits. However, each and every day now comes with a single focused goal in mind - getting healthy before my next doctor's appointment. That is the part that seems to be moving quickly - the days at least. It also seems that I need additional help in achieving that goal.

While I have heard of it happening before, never before have I had a doctor's office call me about a prescription - or at least a new one. Apparently something in the blood drawn during my last encounter with the vampires - um, I mean phlebotomists - had sparked some cause for concern. Not anything specific that I know of, but it isn't every day that the nurse tells you that you are getting a prescription for vitamin D (50,000 IU/week) and B12 (1000 mcg/daily - ed. okay, so not quite prescription strength, but still told to start it). I have never been one to really pay much attention to vitamins as an adult. Let's just say it involves memories daily spoonfuls of Cod Liver Oil and crushed multivitamins mixed into cereal. So to get a call saying "thou shalt take this!" coming from on high is not overly surprising. The call that says "thou, shalt etc.," saying that I need to start taking it right away is. I mean, it has to be something somewhat serious that it couldn't wait until my next scheduled visit.

Or maybe not.
TL;DR - Some good news, some bad news and just a bunch of stuff that the average person won't care about. Though shit on that, it is my journal...go write your own then!Collapse )
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